Dont let your mates near the jump platform.
(or me from now on, this is my sense of humour)
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pf9WNMqENiA]
Archive for Funny Stuff
What Poker Players Mean
The last post was an email I received today, it prompted me to write my own list maybe a little hurried together. The American accent is often confusing and varies greatly from state to state. I have compiled this to help you understand what people mean when talking to you around the tables of the WSOP.
(1) Nice Hand – Oh you lucky fish, why, why, whhhhyyyyyy are you so damn lucky.
(2) Nice Bet – Ok, I think you bluffed me but I will get you, I will get you, you just try that again
(3) Unlucky - HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA In your face you fish, gimme ya chips, c’mon gimme ya chips
(4) Well Played – You mug, how do you get away with it.
(5) I knew you were bluffing – I thought you were winning but I am just too much of a fish to be able to fold
(6) I was priced in – I thought you were winning but I am just too much of a fish to be able to fold.
(7) I had Implied odds – I just can’t help chasing draws, I know you may not pay me but I am just too much of a fish to be able to fold.
(8) Nice Catch – Oh you lucky fish.
(9) You Muppet – Oh you Muppet
(10) That’s what I am talking about – I am a lucky American fish with no dignity and I cannot resist jumping up to celebrate sucking out on you.
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).
(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying *&##@ YOU!
(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.
Its been a while……………………
since i posted summut, find it hard to find something good to write about cos all my poker exploits are pants so here is a funny pic i was sent today……………….
Classic Fast Show (Ted and Ralf)
This is by far my favourite clip ever from the fast show. If you haven’t already seen you must watch it till the end.
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGBTrCZObyA]
The Toy Dolls
As the Pixies article proved quite popular I intend to include a few more music posts. Don’t worry poker fans I have poker exploits to talk about soon
At my wedding a few years back, we decided to have a few bands on. Basically My old band “Nameless” reformed for a few tracks. We were joined by my brother in law’s band (which included Nameless’ drummer and bass player. We also hired a more main stream band, basically they were there so we could use their equipment meaning we were free to get blind drunk and none of us needed to hump gear.
After the bands the DJ was given strict instructions not to play any Take that, Bryan Adams or anything else poncy. And house or raveydavey related tracks were to be punished under the pain of death. In fact most of the stuff he played were CD’s I’d given him.
Obviously it didn’t take long before all the fat ageing punks were pogo-ing on the dance floor. The last track I danced too was the classic “Nellie the Elephant” by the Toy Dolls.
In fact it was the last time I ever danced.
In a drunken frenzy, the dance floor became a riot and I was knocked to the floor with my foot wanting stay where it was. The agony was excruciating. My ankle swelled to twice what it should have been and a lump protruded from it which some people were convinced was bone, I was advised to travel to the local hospital. My concerned newly wed wife stayed at the reception getting pissed with our friends. Good of her to put aside her worries to take care of our guests.
When getting interviewed by the nurse I explained how it was my wedding night and fell while dancing to our wedding song, surely this must happen all the time. Apparently not, i was the first groom to spend a large part of his wedding night in casualty. In chorley at least.
After the compulsory 3 hour wait I was informed it wasn’t broke but I had probably torn ligaments. Surprised, but obviously relieved, I could leave but I had to rest it. By the time I left the reception do had long finished, so I went straight to the hotel we had booked to finish our “romantic” evening. After much assistance to our room there was only one thing left to do……………….work out how to remove the trousers of my fancy smancy suit without tearing them.
Note- If you saw My 2006 PokerMillion heat you will notice me limp off after my exit. Rumit was sporting a broken colar bone in a show of solidarity.
Click logo for official site
The classic Nellie the elephant
Fast Tube by Casper
PC stoker
Fast Tube by Casper
Idle Gossip
Fast Tube by Casper
The Pixies are getting back together
When I was about 18 I used to work in a Cafe in Blackpool and as usual on a saturday we got a mad rush around 5.30pm before closing time. That night I had tickets to go and watch the Pixies in Preston and it was imperative I got done quickly as the trains only run once an hour at that time and i didn’t want to miss the start. In my haste I grabbed as many chips in my arms as possible and threw them directly in fryer (For US readers chips are the real name for what you call fries, we know, cos we invented em’. What you call chips are really called crisps, we know we invented them an all).
citation needed
The resulting splash back covered both my forearms. Agony was not the word. A more sensible person would probably have stayed home that night. However any one who knows me today will tell you sensibility is not something I am burdened with, so what do you think an 18 year old me would have been like?
By the time I’d arrived in Preston the blisters had started to become quite prominent and I probably had around 10 to 15 perfectly round ones on each forearm. Ranging between 5 and 20mm wide they were not too severe but anyone who has touched the grill or pan when making breakfast knows is not pleasant having even one.
Being summer and having no time to change I was still wearing my T-Shirt and obviously there were plenty of people around to keep bumping into me. By the time the gig started I had taken enough pain killers to numb my discomfort (also known as Boddingtons) and stayed towards the rear of the crowd so not to get caught up in any melli. Half an hour in and a couple more pints, the atmosphere had consumed me. I had forgot all about my wounds and joined the thick of the crowd. I clambered my way as close to the front as I could get for a better look at Kim Deal playing her bass. It wasn’t until the encore (which was one song the fat lazy bastard, and we had to beg for that too) that I noticed the guy in front of me was wearing a black wooly donkey jacket. And indeed all the blisters had by now been rubbed away and been replaced by black woolen dots. These remained with me for several weeks after. If it happend today it may appear I was sporting some groovey new age tattoo like David Beckham or Brad Pitt. (I get mistaken for both)
Note for US readers - Boddingtons Bitter is beer. Not that nesh poncy fizzy stuff you lot and our southern poofy cousins drink in little bottles. It is served by the pint, YES THE PINT. And was generally served flat and warm. Hmmmmmmmm delicious.
Ok, maybe you have maybe you haven’t heard of them. Maybe you just couldn’t care less but the Pixies were one of my favourite bands of my teen years and I was lucky enough to see them at the guild hall. They heavily influenced Kurt Cobain of Nirvana and it was said that, he originally wanted to be a Pixies tribute band. High praise from someone who is now considered legend in the music industry. Amazing how many artists enjoy greater fame and air time after they die. Please God, let Cliff Richard live forever!
Interesting Fact
Apparently they were the first ever band to play heavey verses and quiet chorus’. Not sure thats true but it makes me sound like I’m a music guru.
Here is my favourite track Debaser. Don’t try to make the words out, you wouldn’t believe me if i told you what they were.
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mCoOlUjhlc]
Peter Kay’s Amarillo
Just watched the documentary on the filming of this and really did forget how funny it was.
It’s not too late to donate to comic relief if you haven’t already, click below.
COMIC RELIEF OFFICIAL SITE
Fast Tube by Casper
In fact watching this has just prompted me to donate a few quid myself. I forgot friday.
On the site you can use PayPal so no excuse.
